My Night At Ralphs

Helaine is past the mid-point of an awful chest cold. For the last few days she’s sounded like geese heading south.

Then the nose part kicked in.

Between sneezing and coughing she pulled a muscle in her back!

I’m trying to be a helpful husband. I brought home dinner–cheesesteaks&#185. First, though, a quick trip to Ralphs.

Ralphs is a SoCal supermarket chain. It was founded in the 1870s by George Ralphs. It’s owned by Kroger’s now. It’s as SoCal as Cincinnati allows.

Talk about stranger in a strange land! Here I was, adjacent to 15 aisles of “I’m lost.” Could I have trained for this?

The sign above one aisle promised cookies AND gourmet cookies. Ralphs, you had me at cookies.

It was all coming back to me.

I walked past an end cap display of Oreos. Oreos! Why must we start with the hard stuff?

I remembered why the market was such a dangerous place. The force drawing me toward the Oreos was incredible. I fought back.

Helaine wanted minced garlic. Where?

I walked from produce to deli and back again. Nothing.

Finally I walked to the front and asked a bagger. She didn’t know.

She asked the girl on her register. Zip again.

The women running the next register said she thought it was on the table with the tomatoes.

Uh, no.

My guess is there’s no minced garlic at Ralphs. Or, if there is, it’s with the cards and magazines.

I never did find it. Helaine told me to just pick up a fresh garlic. That’s right. I called her from Ralphs… twice.

Milk, half-and-half, breadcrumbs (plain), an onion. My route followed no pattern. I did not have a qualifying time at Ralphs! Could I be more husbandy?

Usually I do the self checkout. Not tonight. With garlic, onions and some bananas in my basket I needed a pro to scan me through. I gave her my Ralph’s card.

I’m not sure why I have one. I don’t know exactly what it does. No one’s ever shown me my balance and I’ve never asked.

Helaine said Ralphs should hire personal shoppers for when guys like me to come. She wasn’t even there, but she knew.

&#185 – Real Philly cheesteaks, with real Amoroso rolls! Sweet.