Tag: Bernie Madoff

The Case Of The Upside Down Blanket

We have an electric blanket with two controls–One for me and one for Helaine. Helaine’s is really just for show. The blanket hasn’t been used since last winter. Helaine’s control might still have the original factory wrapping.

electric blanket.jpg“Hon.” It was 3:50 AM and it was Helaine. Her voice was sleepy and loud and “Hon” was more like “Huuuuuuuhn.” I had been working in my office next to our bedroom. It’s unusual for her to call me like this. I stood up and moved to the door.

She was up in bed and she was holding the blanket off her.

The Foxes, as with many couples, don’t share a single thermostat. I’d like the house kept in the 70&#176s. Helaine would be happy closer to the mid-60&#176… maybe more like approaching the mid-60&#176s from below!

Years ago I’d been advised if she were my landlord I could have her arrested for the temperature she kept the house. She was not impressed. Our compromise was to leave her in charge.

Finally last week I had a Popeye moment. You know the scene in Popeye cartoons where Bluto’s finally pushed him too far? With steam streaming from his corncob pipe he shouts, “That’s all I can takes cause I can’t takes n’more!”

“Where’s our electric blanket?” I asked.

We have an electric blanket with two controls–One for me and one for Helaine. Helaine’s is really just for show. The blanket hasn’t been used since last winter. Helaine’s control might still have the original factory wrapping on.

Back to last night.

“I think there’s a problem. I think my side is on and yours is not. Feel your side of the sheets”

Helaine was having a moment similar to those experienced by Bernie Madoff’s victims. We’d been sleeping for the last few nights with the blanket upside down! My control was heating Helaine’s half of the bed!

Oh the humanity!

On Bernie Madoff

There are some people who have dodged enough bullets to think they are bulletproof

I need to preface this. I think Bernie Madoff is scum-of-the-Earth. He deserves what he’s getting and them some. His family, who profited wildly from his crimes, should be left destitute.

OK–no sympathy from me.

Still, when I watched his lawyers walk him into the courthouse all I could think of was what it must be like to know you’re never going to be free again–ever. That has to be a paralysing fear. It’s probably why some cons say death is better than life. I suspect Madoff will grow used to his new surroundings and not wish for death.

“When I began the Ponzi scheme I believed it would end shortly and I would be able to extricate myself and my clients from the scheme. However, this proved difficult, and ultimately impossible, and as the years went by I realized that my arrest and this day would inevitably come. I am painfully aware that I have deeply hurt many, many people, including the members of my family, my closest friends, business associates and the thousands of clients who gave me their money.”

I actually believe the first part of that.

But why did he start this in the first place? Who knows. There are some people who have dodged enough bullets to think they are bulletproof.

A lot of you know I am Jewish. I am embarrassed as a Jew for what Madoff did. I know it’s not my responsibility, but I am proud of the achievements of Jews. It’s only fair I feel some emotional pain for this, especially since it seems he played on his Jewishness in his business dealings. Bastard.

Though the tired old phrase says “Time heals all wounds,” “Time wounds all heels,” says it better.

Taxes Done

One of my relatives once claimed to work backwards, deciding what he wanted his refund to be then entering numbers that made that happen. I don’t have the stomach for that.

When I got out of bed Sunday Helaine already had the minutiae of our previous financial year on the kitchen table. Kitchen tables are where the best tax work is done.

For the past few years we’ve done ours using the online TurboTax website. Last year was problematic, but we were back for more and it was back to reasonably painless. In fact TurboTaxes software seems to be friendlier and easier.

If you haven’t done your taxes online one of the big advantages is it remembers what you did last year. It knew to fill in and in some cases go online to retrieve crucial data. Maybe I should feel insecure knowing all this stuff is online, but I don’t.

Before Helaine and I got together there was a period where I “forgot” to do my taxes. I mentioned this to an accountant I met at a party and within a week he had me in his office paying my penalties and squaring things. The funny thing is, two of the three years I was due a refund! There is no penalty when you shoot yourself in the foot financially. It should be called the insult to injury exclusion.

The tax form avoidance was when I was on my own and operating in the “no attention to detail” mode. I plead the Michael Phelps defense.

Helaine and I don’t cheat on our taxes. With over 98% of my income coming as an employee there aren’t many ways to cheat even if I wanted to. I’m mentioning this because as you finish your return a screen comes up comparing you to others in a similar tax bracket. I’m missing something or a lot of other people are being very creative–very. We are way down on the deduction side. Bernie Madoff will become B’nai Brith Man of the Year before we’re audited.

One of my relatives once claimed to work backwards, deciding what he wanted his refund to be then entering numbers that made that happen. I don’t have the stomach for that.

Does this put me on the new short list to serve in the Obama administration?

Why does TurboTax charge more for the Connecticut return than the federal? It’s just taking the same numbers and re-plugging them. The return itself is much less complex. The simple answer is, it does it because it can. Most folks look at the federal price only. There’s no price competition at the state level.

Our two refunds will each be about 1% of my income. That’s not an insubstantial amount. However, all it means is I overpay on a weekly basis. I do that on purpose, though it’s considered foolish. There is some solace in knowing you won’t… or shouldn’t owe.

Before I went to bed the feds had already accepted our return. Today Connecticut. The money should be in our account in a day or two.